Most people won't tell you that raising children also involves raising yourself.
For me - Twelve years. THREE children - and somehow, I'm still learning how to be somebody's mama.
You'd think after more than a decade, I'd have this motherhood thing figured out. But the longer I do it, the more I realize that parenting isn't a destination where you eventually receive a certificate declaring you know what the hell you're doing. It's an ongoing experience with surprise examinations, unpaid overtime, and in my case, three little people who are VERY comfortable questioning management. And honestly? I've learned quite a bit.
1. Being the Parent Doesn't Automatically Make Me Right
WHEW. Let's start there. I grew up in a space where adults were often right simply because they were adults. Children weren't always given room to disagree, explain themselves, or challenge something that felt unfair. You were told to "stay in a child's place."
But becoming a mother has taught me that authority and correctness are two entirely different things. Sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I misunderstand. Sometimes my children make a perfectly reasonable point, and I have to sit there looking like somebody just reversed my own Uno card. And when that happens? I apologize... sometimes. Most people may read that and believe opposite - spare the rod, spoil the child, eh? Many people with children also have this god complex about themselves. Whatever they say goes - ain't no allowing the children to express a damn thing. That's not me.
My children deserve accountability from me just as much as I expect it from them.
2. Fair Doesn't Always Mean Equal
I have three children and let me tell you something: they did NOT arrive with identical operating systems. What works for one child might completely backfire with another. One may respond well to directness. Another needs a gentler approach. Another might need me to repeat myself 47 times before the message successfully downloads. Understanding their birth charts/ zodiacs have helped me with this. I'm a fiery Aries woman raising a cancer male, virgo female, and libra male. Pray for me - LOL.
I've learned that treating my children fairly doesn't necessarily mean parenting them identically. It means understanding who they are as individuals.
3. Children Are People, Not Property
This one is especially important to me. My children aren't just miniature extensions of myself. They're individuals with their own personalities, interests, boundaries, opinions, and eventually, lives that won't revolve around me. My job isn't to manufacture three people who think exactly like I do. It's to guide them, protect them fiercely and unapologetically, teach them, and prepare them to navigate a world where I won't always be standing beside them. And yes, sometimes that means allowing them to disagree with me. Even when I KNOW I'm making an excellent point. 😭
4. Time Is Something I Can't Get Back
If motherhood has taught me anything, it's that time moves entirely too damn fast. One minute you're holding a newborn, and the next you're looking at a child who's practically your height, has opinions about EVERYTHING, and somehow needs bigger shoes every other month.
Losing my own mother has made me even more conscious of how precious our time together really is. I don't want to look back and realize I spent so much of my children's childhood in fight mode and preparing for tomorrow that I forgot to enjoy today.
I can always find another job or opportunity. I cannot go back and raise my children twice.
5. Sometimes the Problem Is My Delivery
Listen, I'm naturally direct but I've learned that being correct doesn't automatically make my delivery effective. Sometimes what I'm saying is reasonable, but HOW I'm saying it isn't helping anybody receive the message. I have to ask myself: am I trying to teach my child something, or am I simply expressing my frustration? Because those are two very different things. I've learned to revisit conversations, explain myself differently, and recognize when my own emotions are interfering with the lesson. I'm still working on it.
6. I Can Love My Children Without Loving Every Moment of Motherhood
Yep. I said it. I love my children dearly. Do I love repeating myself? Absolutely not. Do I enjoy finding mysterious sticky substances on furniture? Negative. Do I occasionally want to sit in complete silence without somebody asking me where something is that's directly in front of their face? BABY. YES.
Motherhood is an enormous part of my life, but it isn't the entirety of my identity. I'm still a woman with interests, dreams, hobbies, opinions, and a personality that existed before anybody started calling me Mama. And I intend to keep her around.
7. My Children Are Watching More Than They're Listening
I can give the greatest speech known to mankind about honesty, kindness, accountability, and self-respect. But if my actions contradict everything I just said? Well, guess which lesson they're actually absorbing.
Children notice how we speak to people, how we handle disappointment, how we treat ourselves, and whether we practice the values we expect from them. And sometimes, the most effective parenting lesson isn't a lecture. It's an example.
8. I'm Allowed to Be a Work in Progress
Twelve years ago, I became a mother. I didn't become all-knowing, endlessly patient, or immune to making mistakes. I've made decisions I would handle differently today. I've learned things I wish I'd understood earlier. And I'm certain there are lessons waiting for me that I haven't even considered yet.
But one thing I've stopped expecting of myself is perfection. My children don't need a mother who never gets anything wrong. They need one who's willing to recognize when she does, make things right, and continue growing.
Because in the words of Lil Boosie… PLAYERS F*CK UP. 😭
And apparently, mamas do too. Twelve years down. A lifetime of learning to go.
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